The reason why you are attracted to emotionally unavailable people and how to break the pattern

"Why am I attracted to emotionally unavailable people?"

Said almost everybody around me at least once in their life.

You meet emotionally unavailable people because you are unavailable to yourself. The people that you meet are only mirroring the lack of connection you have with your own inner self. In other terms, when you meet unavailable people and chose to chase them you are abandoning yourself in the process. You might even end up completely lost, confused, wondering what is wrong with you and why you don’t deserve the love that you seek.

why do i attract emotionnally unavailable people

How to attract emotionally available people ?

You are attracting those emotionally unavailable people because no one ever taught you what emotional availability is. Emotional availability is simply Being there for yourself. It means starting to actually enjoy spending time with yourself. Treating your body with love, enjoying being alone, nurturing yourself with what is good for you, which means actually getting to know your needs.

The other reason why you are attracted by emotionally unavailable people is that you never learned that love brings safety. So in response to not experiencing the love you deserve you started to create a fantasy about it. So when you are surrounded by emotionally unavailable people, you imagine the relationship as it should be and want your person to match that idealisation. And here you are trapped in an endless circle of disappointment.

Related post :

How to break the pattern of emotionally unavailable encounter?

1. Become fully available to yourself first

Spend time on your own. Reconnect to yourself and to your needs and values. Learn how to take care of yourself so you won’t need someone else to fill up a void in your existence

> Discover my guided meditation to reconnect to your inner child

2. Acknowledge your “dark sides”

The availability to self also means that there should not be parts of you that stay in the dark. This means that what you are not loving yet about yourself is what is attracting those toxic relationships. So what are the things that you don’t like about yourself? How can you become more gentle, kind, and forgiving about it?
This will allow you to understand the coping mechanisms you created to avoid true connection.

3. Accept the Truth

I mean the real Truth. And don’t get me wrong, the truth is not that you don’t deserve love, that you are ugly or that you will end up alone. The truth is actually the perfect opposite. And the truth is that you do deserve the love you seek, but it is easier to believe the contrary because it gives your logical mind an explanation.

why do i attract emotionally unavailable people

Do you want to break the pattern?

When you are saying and thinking mean things just to find a logical reason to not love yourself, you are not doing yourself a favor. You are reinforcing the ideas that were created out of your wounds. And by doing so you are subconsciously allowing others to treat you badly because you are already allowing yourself to do so. Do yourself a favor and get out of your personal karpman triangle. This will drastically change the way others interact with you.

Want to see quick and significant changes? Let me help you to break the pattern through 1:1 healing sessions. My healing sessions are tailored-made to help you transform your relationships, reconnect to yourself, and meet the right person for you.


I am Héra, Spiritual teacher and intuitive healer and the Creator of Love Is the First Step. My purpose is to bring joy and peace in your relationships through a journey to self-love. 

Join my newsletter and receive a meditation to love yourself

Join me on facebook !

Get my free e-book "Re-parent your inner child"

Learn how to reparent your inner child

My program


A 12 week journey to break free from toxic relationships