How to break the grief cycle

A quick guide to transcend the grief cycle

Grief is a process. Despite how we would like to make it go away every time it comes up in our lives. Whether it is the loss of someone we love, a part of ourselves, a relationship, or even our jobs, homes and family situations. Grief is a part of life, it is a part of our awakening to ourselves.

The Kübler-Ross model established 5 stages in the grief process:

Denial (stage of shock, numbness, ignorance)
Anger (towards yourself or someone else)
Bargaining (what if I could have done something?)
Depression (A state of sadness where the loss is expressed)
Acceptance (starting anew, integrating)

Where these stages feel perfectly structured they are actually quite messy. You can go through the 5 stages in one day or in one week or a month. There is no rule about how you are grieving. You might be tempted to even judge yourself about it, or even tempted to jump from one state to another just to shut down and avoid pain.

Why is the grief cycle hard to break?

Let me tell you: Grief is necessary.

Grief is the hero’s journey of the spiritual world. You go through things, you learn from it and in between: you feel emotions.
When you refuse to go through the grief cycle, you are bypassing yourself and invalidating your emotions. I have seen so many people trying to date right after their break-up when they are still thinking about their ex, just as a way of avoiding feeling the anger, resentment and regrets. And I have seen so many people trying to bargain about what they could have done better to avoid a loss without knowing that they were just bargaining. It’s all about going through grief. And if you are searching for the magic wand to avoid going through the stages then let me tell you: it doesn’t exist.

I am not here to make you bypass your healing journey but to show you how to go through it together. Going through grief can make you think that you will never get onto the other side or even that there is no other side at all. That’s not the Truth. But now let’s see how to break the grief cycle, or should I say transcend it.

How to break the grief cycle?

1. Acknowledge your feelings

No matter what stages you are in, your feelings should be considered as little infants coming to earth. In other words: they are your inner children manifested. Behind every emotions you are feeling there is an inner child waiting for your love and approval. So instead of distracting yourself from them, say hello and I love you. You can journal during this process, or simply practice silent meditation to create space for your feelings.

2. Let them out

Suppressing your feeling is never going to help you break the grief cycle. It might even let you in it longer. You are a soul having a human experience and your emotions are a proof of it. So no matter at what stage you are in, let your emotions out. If you are angry, scream in a pillow or write down pages and pages on how you feel. If you are numbed because of the pain, just love yourself through this process by holding your heart and say “I Love You”. When you bargain, love the one that wants things to be different. And when you are sad, let the tears come up and be. That’s what is going to bring more healing than ever.

3. Value the lessons

When you go on the other side of the resentments and regrets, you can start to see what the situation has taught you. Or in the case of the loss of a loved one you can start to value the experience you had together, what you learn through it. We are constantly learning in our human experience, constantly taking new steps. In between different stages of grief you can start to see what life has brought you during this process.

4. Accept to take your time

It takes time to acknowledge the loss of someone or a specific situation. It takes already at least 6 months to recover from a physical separation and go through the grief process. Sometimes it can be even longer depending on where you are longing in the different stages. Acceptance is a very important stage and this is where you let go of fantasies and illusions to accept what is really happening. And sometimes staying in fantasies can be easier than facing the truth, that’s what keeps us from moving forward in life.

Respect the process

This process to break the grief cycle is not much different from any healing process. It is always about validating your emotions and let them out, that’s how you keep disease from getting in your body and that’s how you heal from emotional illness. There are many methods to release emotional blockages if you feel constantly numb or if emotions are overwhelming. EFT, PEAT or EMDR are examples.

I also recommend to be accompagnied during these process as grieving can be very challenging and emotionally heavy. If you are still feeling like grief is staying on your shoulders you can book yourself in for a session are there might be a block keeping you from stepping out of grief or take fully care of your inner child.

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Hey,

I am Héra, Spiritual teacher and intuitive healer and the Creator of Love Is the First Step. My purpose is to bring joy and peace in your relationships through a journey to self-love.